1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
