She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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