She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
