he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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