I smell stomach acid.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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