I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
