I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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