Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
