he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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