I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
