At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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