i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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