i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
