I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
