how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
