i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
