You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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