I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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