I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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