I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
