You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
