i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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