Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
