You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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