I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
