Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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