He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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