I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he fucked my hip out of place.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
