You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
