so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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