census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
