one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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