I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
