You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
