brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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