I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
