If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
