smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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