MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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