Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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