Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
