Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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