When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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