Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
