all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
