How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
