i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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