i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you traded sex for a burrito?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
