2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
