I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
