I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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