if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
