Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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